Charity Concert For Pampered Millionaire Superstar
FRIENDS of troubled singer George Michael will stage a charity concert to highlight the problems of being incredibly rich, stoned and sexually satisfied.
Tickets will start from £200 and organisers hope to raise enough money to buy Michael a solid gold statue of a policeman wearing chaps and sniffing poppers in a bid to cheer him up.
Sir Elton John, Britain's leading friend, said "We're all terribly worried about George as he's started acting very strangely, like doing drugs, being promiscuous, releasing horrible music and throwing tantrums like an angry baby that's just shat itself. What? What?"
Sir Elton's partner David Furnish added: "At times like this, you ask yourself whether you've contributed to his awful life of trouble-free indolence. Was our champagne fountain made of the wrong type of marble? Did one of the serving dwarves give him a funny look?"
GeorgeAid will be held in Hyde Park on the site of the singer's last arrest for being intoxicated while in charge of a 'Rusty Carousel'. U2, Coldplay and Robbie Williams are all set to appear, but despite this the concert is expected to sell out.
Psychiatrist Julian Cook said: "Most of my patients become depressed because of mundane issues like bereavement or poverty. Very few of them have to face the impossible burden of deciding which orifice the Filipino houseboy should blow ganja fumes into."
Michael's former creative partner, Andrew Ridgeley, said: "If George wants to take time out from smoking skunk hand-picked by Thai maidens through a bong made from a Henry Moore statue, he just has to call. Just like at any point during the past 23 years.
"Now, would you like another pizza of the same size for just £5?"