Cheryl Plans Ghastly, Nouveau Riche Divorce

CHERYL Cole last night unveiled plans for a lavish and vulgar divorce involving lots of matching suits and a really big smoked salmon.

Cheryl has ordered a really elegant divorce cake from Thorntons

The nation's sweetheart announced her separation from some footballer yesterday followed by what experts described as an 'absolutely hilarious' request for privacy.

Prime minister Gordon Brown and Conservative leader David Cameron have both telephoned the singer and agreed to set up a cross-party commission to explore ways of helping her cope.

Meanwhile thousands of Guardian readers are today expected to make a rare visit to the websites of the Sun and the Daily Mirror in a bid to discover what the Cole split says about society.

Cheryl fan Wayne Hayes said: "I just feel so sad for her because her life has just been getting better and better since she knocked the shit out of that black woman in a nightclub toilet."

According to friends of the X-Factor judge the divorce negotiations will take place at a beautiful country house hotel in the Cotswolds, with guests including Christine Bleakley and Frank Lampard, selected cast members from The Bill and the Gary Linekers.

Cheryl's lawyers will be wearing matching Burberry tartan suits and bowler hats and will use their Burberry umbrellas to form an honour guard for Cheryl when she arrives wearing a beautiful Burberry two piece and carrying a £12,000 Prada bag full of Chewits.

For the issuing of the decree nisi the High Court in London will be decked out in beige roses and Burberry taffeta and the final terms of the divorce will be sung by Michael Bublé to the tune of R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly.

The guests, including Sharon Osbourne, the cast of Ready, Steady Cook and the Gary Nevilles, will then each receive a glass of Cristal champagne and a deep fried prawn.

Celebrity marriage analyst Joanna Kramer said: "At the end of the day we must all remember that this is really about two lovely young people who were once very much in love and now have to face up to the emotional trauma of a failed relationship."

She added: "That actually sounded quite convincing didn't it? Fuck their privacy."