Council Estates Quarantined As Cheryl Link Confirmed
BRITAIN’S council estates have been cordoned-off after they were linked to the creation of Cheryl Cole.
The move comes as department of health experts investigate claims by Wagner, the sociologist and sinister cartoon lion, that the X Factor judge’s humble origins may have led directly to her chilling personality.
Officials have warned that ‘Cheryl Syndrome’, an affliction marked by fame obsession, poorly realised tattoos, funny little eyes like full stops and a frightening amount of self-belief, could spread out of control among young women.
Epidemiologist, Nathan Muir, said: “Cheryl Syndrome is like German measles – ostensibly not life-threatening but damaging in subtle, dangerous ways.
“However unpalatable it may be, we cannot disregard the possibility that Cheryl’s deprived and modestly violent upbringing was instrumental in making her whatever she is today.
“One hypothesis is that lack of means to buy expensive things coupled with an ITV shit-fuelled belief that a massive, beige house, extended hair and a luxury mattress spattered with footballer juice is the ultimate a young woman can aspire to may be the ‘perfect storm’ that generates Cheryls.
“As with all these things the real fear is that the disease could mutate. Cheryl Syndrome could cross class barriers, causing albums, chippiness and viscious, unprovoked assaults on toilet attendants by well-brought up girls whose parents have excellent lawyers.”
Council tenant Roy Hobbs, who has been stopped from leaving his estate since Saturday evening, said: “I’m a 46-year-old occasional plasterer, what are the chances of me forming a sassy girl group and enjoying contrived affairs with overtly metrosexual dancers?
“Slim to none, I’d say. Then again I could be marketed as ‘The Plasterer’, singing ‘songs of earthy wit and wisdom’ while sitting on a pretend stepladder in my vest.”