Derek Acorah banishes family’s dignity

TV spiv Derek Acorah has perfomed a mysterious ritual to rid an ordinary family of its self-esteem.

Acorah examines hieroglyphs in advance of his new series 'Help! There's a Poltergeist in My Pyramid'

The former professional footballer is the star of hit TV series, including Scooby Doo House, Derek Acorah’s Creaky Staircase and Fireside Tales of Lost Dignity.

He arrived at the terraced Wolverhampton home after the family’s eight year-old told his babysitter that he had to be allowed stay up and watch Predator II because there was a floating pensioner in his bedroom trying to touch him.

Acorah said: “From the moment I arrived, I could feel a powerful aura filling the building. It was so potent I could actually taste it, like licking the rough side of raw tripe.

“The only way to exorcise such a manifestation is with a mysterious ritual that completely sucks the self-respect out of everyone present.

“So I gathered the family and got them to hold hands while I assumed the character of a 19th-century lesbian pickpocket amputee chimney sweep called Arthur Doris Griggs and spat on each of them in turn while shouting ‘I need boiled sweeties but Jimmy’s took me farthing’.”

Home owner Susan McKay, said: “I’m a pretty down to earth person so when Derek said he could strip me of my dignity in less than five minutes I was sceptical, to say the least.

“But it worked. When he screamed ‘Dottie’s in the pantry and she’s got a cock’ and fell into my arms sobbing, I actually felt my self-respect rushing from my body like a massive burp.

“One of Derek’s camera crew took a still and you can actually see it. It’s a wobbly, brown blob, a bit like a floating casserole.”