Enormous Americans eat Jamie Oliver

OBESE Americans last night rejected Jamie Oliver’s latest food campaign by deep frying him in hog fat and eating his head.

The chef was lecturing parents in Huntington, West Virginia, about the benefits of giving their children healthier food, ideally from Sainsbury’s, when the group were overwhelmed by a sudden lust for flesh.

Welder Tom Logan said: “It was that big ol’ tongue what done got ma juices flowin’. You could see that it was all good eatin’ meat – no gristle.

“Fore I knew it I was dribblin’ like a hound in a chitlin factory. Then I caught Randall Hobbs’s eye an I knew he was thinkin’ the same.” Mr Hobbs added: “Yessireebob, I done ate his feet!”

As Jamie launched into a demonstration of how to prepare asparagus fettucine, locals surged onto the stage and started biting the fleshy parts of his face and body.

Amid the commotion local sheriff Stephen Malley fired his pistol into the air, ordering the attackers to cease until a suitable grill could be found.

He said: “It was nearly a damn waste, to eat an animal as good an’ plump as that without proper cookin’, seasonin’ and a nice helping o’ Grandma Logan’s potater salad. We takes pride in our food ’round these parts.”

A Channel 4 spokesman said: “Jamie and his production team went out to film a cookery show but like so many documentaries filmed in West Virginia, it quickly descended into a load of fat people eating a fat-tongued stranger.”

The Town that Ate Jamie Oliver
is on More4 this Friday at 8pm.