Heston Demands Right To Shoot Angels
DEAD acting legend Charlton Heston has launched a campaign for the right to shoot angels with a variety of high powered assault weapons.
The 84 year-old, who played Moses, Ben Hur and himself in an episode of Friends, said his heavenly gun rack would be used primarily to shoot the souls of dead animals, including dead deer, dead rabbits and dead pigeons.
But he insisted he and other dead people had a right to protect themselves with a machine gun if an angel broke into their cloud.
Heaven is a relatively crime-free area with gun ownership restricted to licensed hunters and a handful of the bigger saints.
Heston said last night: "I thought heaven was supposed to be a free country. Instead I find it in the grip of hippy communists, pansies and sissy-boy abortion doctors.
"What are these people afraid of? If you've done nothing wrong then the chances of me shooting you are reduced significantly."
He added: "As someone who played Moses in a film, I think I'm more qualified than most to speak on behalf of God.
"The Almighty loves nothing more than spending a weekend in the woods, talking about the Constitution and polishing his favourite Uzi 9mm."
Heston arrived in heaven shortly after a gun had been prised from his cold, dead hands, as predicted.