Jedward 'Are Harbingers Of The Apocalypse'

05-11-09

A JOHN and Edward victory in the X-Factor could herald the End of Days, it emerged last night.

The Gemini Beast can only be destroyed by the Daggers of Megiddo

The warning came from noted gypsy fortune teller and crone Madame Jeannie shortly before she was mysteriously decapitated by a falling roof tile.

But friends of Jeannie say she tried and failed to warn Jedward's adoptive parents, who also died in a bizarre accident, that the matching freaks would 'open the gateway to the Eschaton, the age of infinite darkness and suffering'.

According to Jeannie's ramblings, 'a pair of glowing-eyed rottweilers shall enter the X-Factor house when someone mysterious leaves the patio door open, killing all t'hopefuls including even the instantly likeable Olly Murs and leaving only the evil Gemini, the Jedward beast'.

Jeannie predicted the final will be an hour-long Jedward big-band-meets-country-meets-pop-meets-progressive-rock special, making Louis Walsh's head rotate with demonic lust while viewers' brains liquefy and leak from their ears.

Following Jedward's atonal skiffle rendition of Things Can Only Get Better a portal will open in Cheryl Cole's vagina with demons and homunculi spilling forth from between her legs as an impenetrable, all-consuming darkness descends on the earth and the sounds of upbeat dance pop are mixed with the howls of a billion souls in unspeakable agony.

But the boys' mysterious spinster nanny and business manager, Miss Lilith, denied that her charges were emissaries of evil, adding: "My hatchlings are good and precious and you would be wise not to question them."

It is understood her comments may have been a reference to alcoholic Catholic priest, Father Tom Logan, who was killed by a flying toasted sandwich maker shortly after claiming to have unearthed ancient copies of Smash Hits proving Jedward were born to a male jackal on an unconsecrated grave following debased rituals by a sect of Estonian satanists and Peaches Geldof.

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