Jordan’s hand in marriage to avert war

PEOPLE’S princess Jordan has agreed to marry Argentinian Leandro Penna to prevent war between his country and the British Empire.

Farewell, sweet breasts

The timeless beauty, who holds a cherished place in every true Englishman’s heart, agreed to the union as the shadow of war with Argentina loomed once more over our great nation.

Jordan will marry Penna, the playboy hero of his country, in a lavish ceremony this summer and is expected to birth an heir in 2013. In exchange for the union, the Argentinians will drop all claims to ownership and oil rights of the Falklands.

It will be Jordan’s third marriage of convenience. Her wedding to Australian prince Peter Andre in 2005, in a lavish ceremony watched by a global audience of millions, was arranged by Prime Minister Tony Blair in return for favourable bauxite import tariffs.

There followed a betrothal to the Queen’s knight Alex Reid when he won her hand after displaying exceptional valour at a mixed martial arts tourney.

Sussex­-born Jordan, an icon of graceful womanhood the world over, will now enter a period of seclusion while her breasts are remodelled to be ‘as large as the udders of a Pampas heifer, and as tall and proud as the Andes,’ in accordance with her husband-­to­-be’s wishes.

She said: “The country’s good must come before my own happiness. I do what I do for England and St George.

“My only regret is that I shall never again gaze on my one true love, Dane Bowers from Another Level.”