Karen Matthews: Where She Went Wrong

05-12-08

IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

No, but we're guessing she's under the bed of your idiot accomplice

As Karen Matthews was convicted on three counts of evil yesterday, experts said the mother-of-seven was actually guilty of textbook errors.

Danny Ocean, a criminal mastermind who successfully raided the vault at the Bellagio, said: "All you need is detailed blueprints, a world class pickpocket, a master of disguise and a very small Chinese guy in a box."

Sir Charles Lytton, an international jewel thief also known as the Phantom, added: "Personally, I would knock out the guards, circumvent the laser protection system by descending from the roof and then I would hide the young girl in a large pot of face cream."

But Wayne Hayes, a sales assistant  from Peterborough who has never been involved in any sophisticated criminal activity, said: "First things first: Promise your daughter a pony.

"Secondly: Don't team up with someone who would struggle to beat a jar of mayonnaise at Connect Four.

"Third: Instead of shoving her under the bed, give her a blonde wig and send her and your non-halfwit accomplice to Butlins for a month.

"And fourth: Make sure your daughter is eventually 'found' by someone who is not in some way related to you, as the police might just find that a tad suspicious."

Meanwhile social workers in Dewsbury were last night under pressure to explain why they did not know Karen Matthews would team up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she could con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

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