Katona Sex Tape ‘Kills All Who See It’

EVERYONE who has watched the Kerry Katona sex tape has died mysteriously within a week, it was claimed yesterday.

Before you die, you see The Ring

The battered VHS tape, labelled ‘Mark’s Football Compilation’, is believed to contain harrowingly explicit footage of the former pop star and the ex-husband who looks like an armed robber.

It is claimed that after watching the tape, the viewer’s phone will ring. On picking up the receiver, a 10-second snippet of Atomic Kitten’s first top 10 hit Right Now is audible, followed by Coleen Nolan’s voice saying, ‘We will drag you into the belly of hell and serve your toasted bowels as part of a surprisingly cheap party platter’.

Teacher Tom Logan, who claims to have viewed the tape, said: “I found it while clearing out my brother’s house, after he was found dead with his face frozen in a mask of terror, and fistfuls of what were later identified as Prawn-Influenced Cajun Nibblies stuffed into his still-open, eternally screaming mouth.

“I do not wish to describe the contents of the tape. But dear god, I would eat my dead grandmother’s hair for even the slenderest chance to unsee it.”

He added: “My flat now smells of despair, my television is leaking cheap sparkling wine. I know it’s only a matter of time before Kerry clambers out of it, and collapses drunkenly on the living room floor for half an hour or so before waking up and doing something horrible to me with a vol-au-vent.”

Urban folklore experts believe a victim’s only chance of lifting the curse is to pass on the tape to an unsuspecting third party.

Professor Helen Archer, from Reading University, said: “If you’re going to do that, probably best not let on that it’s Kerry Katona and some manky old sod going at it like a pair of rabid weasels.

“Tell them it’s a load of Macgyvers or something.”