Kim Kardashian to face Pippa Middleton in buttock duel
US REALITY star Kim Kardashian will face Pippa Middleton in a buttock-based confrontation that could decide the future of the monarchy.
An ancient law, introduced by notorious lech Henry VIII, dictates that nations may send a champion buttock owner to challenge ‘the moste shapeley’ royal female in a series of crudely salacious trials.
The challenge, issued to the Duchess of Cambridge’s equerry yesterday evening, compels Kate’s youngest sister to face Miss Kardashian in a rump-based contest.
The demeaning but invariably well-attended contest opens with dressage-style events, in which the two ladies are required to walk, climb steps and hop over small obstacles while wearing tight skirts.
Pippa is expected to take more points in those stages but will face tougher competition from her American rival in later events like the grinding circle, the butt-cleavage strut and the booty clap.
The duel concludes with both competitors clad in tight spandex, disporting themselves to the music of dancehall artist Beenie Man before a judging panel including aristocrats, rappers and celebrity magazine editors.
BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell said: “Miss Middleton’s small but perfectly formed derrière versus the famous Kardashian trunk full o’ junk is the ass-off the public have been screaming to see. Shake that shit, Pippa!”
A British loss could mean economic disaster for the Bank of England, which has secured £50 billion of loans to the UK using the world-class peachiness of Pippa’s arse as security.
A loss for Pippa also means Kim Kardashian will be entitled to replace her as the sister of the future Queen. Given that Kardashian’s boyfriend is Kanye West, this would then inevitably lead to Prince Harry guesting on a jam with Young Jeezy.