the dailymash

Lohan's gayness was initially greeted with enthusiasm by men eager for masturbatory fantasies involving the Freaky Friday actress entwined with another stunning lesbian.

However, the early euphoria turned to anger when it was revealed Lohan's lover was Samantha Ronson, a disc jokey and Britain's leading David Miliband lookalike.

Wayne Hayes, a masturbator, said: "It's a log cabin, lit only by firelight, Lohan is lying naked on a fur rug, she's fondling her own breasts, This is good. This is really good.

"The door opens, it's her girlfriend - bonus! She steps out of the shadows, she's naked too, but oh no! It's the foreign secretary, with a strap-on!"

He added: "Well, that's ruined it. I'm going to have to start all over again with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui and a vibrating egg."

Charlie Reeves, 14, from Didcot, said Lohan had a responsibility to young fans who had followed her breasts since Herbie: Fully Loaded.

He said: "When she jumped up and down I got a weird feeling in my underpants and my dad made a funny noise."

He added: "What's wrong with a naked splash fight with Charlize Theron? Or smearing Nutella over Scarlett Johansson's quivering buttocks and then having a shower together? Nutella only comes off if you use lots of soap, apparently."

Top five foreign secretaries you least want invading your sexual fantasies
(Last year's position in brackets)

1: Margaret Beckett (1)
2: Malcolm Rifkind (2)
3: David Miliband (-)
4: Lord Carrington (8)
5: Douglas Hurd (3)