the dailymash

Witnesses spotted the Son of God last Friday evening at an Exxon service station in the Detroit suburb of Rochester, where he was seen filling a large metal canister with petrol.

The Prince of Peace then crossed the road to the Stop'n'Go convenience store where he bought a packet of J-Cloths and a large box of safety matches.

Security footage from the rear of the store shows Jesus taking bottles from the recycling bank, filling them carefully with the petrol and then stuffing them with the cloths, before placing them in a cardboard box and heading for the nearest bus stop.

Nikki Hoberman, a cashier, said: "Jesus walked right up to me and asked me where Madonna used to live. He looked upset. I said to him, 'what you gonna do Jesus?' and he said he was gonna find that house and torch it.

"I said to him, 'why Jesus, why?' and he just looked straight at me said, 'Like a Virgin? Like a Prayer? Like a fuckin' skank more like. It's barbecue time.

"Then he started goin' on and on about Kaballah and how he didn't get 'nailed to a goddamn tree' just to see a Catholic girl sign up for some 'pervert Jewish witchcraft'."

She added: "He wasn't too happy about the cover version of American Pie either."