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POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs.
 Sir Ian is mad for hobbit
Orc faeces were pushed through his letterbox and 'Gandalf shags midget arse' and 'Fuck off back to the Shire' spray-painted on the front door.
Two ugly fanged humanoids were seen running away from the house, and a series of abusive calls later that night were traced to a phonebox at the Black Gate of Mordor.
Tolkein scholar Julian Cook said the Orcs were targeting Sir Ian in revenge for his role in defeating the armies of the Dark Lord Sauran at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.
Mr Cook said: "Sauran's like 'I'm going to kick your arses and get your Ring and stuff' and he's got these totally fucked-up fighting elephant things, and the Orcs are going mental on everyone.
"Then Sir Ian stands up, and he's all 'fucking hell Hobbits, we are totally getting creamed here' and he just nails the top Orc with some vodoo wizard shit, and everyone charges in, and there are bits of Orc everywhere." Despite this, Sir Ian is blaming the threats on a bigoted section of Middle Earth society unable to come to terms with his sexuality.
He said: "I fought for ten days to slay the Balrog, but do they call me the Balrog Slayer? No. "But you fuck one hobbit…"
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