Media Mount 24-Hour Vigil Outside Cheryl Cole’s Fandango

THE world’s media last night set up camp outside Cheryl Cole’s vagina amid mounting rumours it is about to be reactivated.

The BBC's Vaginal Outside Broadcast Unit was set up in 1974 to monitor Julie Christie's

Sources say there is now a strong chance of sexual mingling between the freak-rating Geordie cuckold and the grammatically-challenged singer from the Black Eyed Peas.

Veteran US reporter Charlie Reeves said: “I was there when US troops pulled out of Vietnam and I swear I’ll be there when that pretty little thing’s clampouch sees some action from that rap feller.

“The last thing you want as a reporter is to be asleep when he drags her into the john for a quick bout of attendant-thumping and hiding the old one-eyed penis.

“I remember back in ’85, I was at my grandmother’s funeral and missed out on Sean Penn wheel-barrowing Madonna around New York’s Latin Quarter nightclub. Got fired. Deserved it.”

BBC coverage of Cole’s tupsy is being spearheaded by award-winning Falklands sweetheart Brian Hanrahan, who has been monitoring her vaginal status since the early days of Girls Aloud.

Hanrahan said: “Over the years there’s been speculation as to the exact number of winkies that have been wiped on her curtains, but I counted them all in and I counted them all out.”

Will.I.Am,  the imminent Cole-doer and veteran pea, said: “I know that in the UK she’s the surprisingly hairy queen of shit-kicking hearts, so I promise not to spoil her.

“And rest assured, if Fergie gets her wish and ends up Anting Cheryl’s Dec, I will video the absolute hell out of it.”