Meghan Markle baptised in blood of 400,000 lizards

THE blood of more than 400,000 lizards has cascaded over Meghan Markle on the altar of an underground church to make her Royal forever. 

The Archbishop of Canturbury, dressed in his Inverted Vestments and wielding an obsidian crucible, welcomed Markle to the true dark religion that runs England in a cavern deep below St Pauls.

Prince Charles, soon to be Markle’s father-in-law, said: “Her old eyes are in a jar. She is one of us now.

“The colour of her skin was always irrelevant. It will not be worn for long. Her first shedding will come after the ceremony. It will be beautiful.

“Her acting experience will be… useful. From now on her whole life will be a pretence of humanity, and mortality, and that this Earth is not being terraformed to make a more comfortable home for our kind.”

Onlooker Mary Fisher, who had sneaked into the ceremony waving a Union Jack, said: “It was just wonderful. She screamed as her soul left her and the ageless, black thing entered.

“And then I was chosen to be the host for her thousands of eggs. I couldn’t be more proud.”