Millions Volunteer To Fire A Crossbow At Aa Gill

MILLIONS of people last night demanded the chance to fire a crossbow at the restaurant critic AA Gill to see exactly how happy it would make them.

Adrian, could you stand in front of Jeremy for me?

As Gill revealed his fondness for slaughtering baboons, people across Britain said firing a crossbow at the chest of the Sunday Times journalist would give them some insight into what it might be like to kill a human being.

But most admitted that bringing down Gill with a single bolt fired from about 20 feet away would be nothing more than an act of sheer self-indulgence.

Emma Bradford, from Doncaster, said: "I think it would make me so happy I would faint."

Meanwhile experts said the thirst for Gill's blood could start a new trend for hunting down and killing restaurant critics for amusement, stressing that, if so, we absolutely had to start with Giles Coren.

Tom Logan, an engineer from Grantham, said: "I remember when I was a boy my father would sit me on his knee and say 'son, you can do whatever you want with your life, but if you decide to become a restaurant critic, well, that would make your old dad very happy'."

He added: "Our house was full of books of restaurant criticism and the walls were covered with pictures of all the great critics of the 1940s and 50s.

"On cold, dark winter evenings my dad would go to the bookcase and pull down a copy of Arthur Bellingham's review of Chez Pierre from the July 1951 edition of Tatler and read it out loud. I can still remember how a tear would come to his eye as Bellingham described the tartness of his Flange de Poires.

"But after a lot of soul searching I decided not to become a restaurant critic, mainly because I wanted a proper job that didn't involve being an utter fucking ponce."