Celebrity

We are not interested in touching you, royals told

BRITONS have confirmed that they have no interest in touching the royal family.

Disney buys royal family

THE royal family is now the intellectual property of the Walt Disney Company, it has emerged.

Chris Rea begins homeward journey

SINGER Chris Rea has set off on the drive back to his house for the festive season, it has been confirmed.

Victoria’s Secret models all nerds at school or some bullshit

THE ridiculously good-looking lingerie models of Victoria’s Secret have confirmed that they were all quiet loners at school.

Kevin McCloud unveils tasteful modernist grotto

GRAND Designs host Kevin McCloud has launched a clinical, futuristic Christmas grotto for poncey families.

Dodgy bastard who sold garage to Myleene Klass goes into hiding

THE shady figure who sold Myleene Klass a Catford garage for £2 million is refusing to discuss the deal.

Schwarzenegger charging £800,000 to kill you then deliver a one-liner

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger fans are paying almost a million pounds to have him kill them then make a wry comment.

Fate apologises for letting Bono live

FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.