WOMEN with no interest in copulation are bereft following the marriage of their dream man George Clooney.
ACTOR Stephen Fry has admitted refusing to share his cocaine with a furious Prince Philip.
HER Majesty the Queen has the sexual energy of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, it has been confirmed.
MORGAN Freeman has agreed to appear in a wise, solemn but twinkling role in a film yet to be conceived.
NOVELIST Hilary Mantel has confessed to the murder of Margaret Thatcher.
SIR Donald Sinden and Ian Paisley had been signed up to play each other in the West End, it has emerged.
THE Duchess of Cambridge is to fufil all her public engagements while throwing up.
AMERICANS have begged England to stop sending them smug, fat-faced English television presenters.