NOVELIST Hilary Mantel has confessed to the murder of Margaret Thatcher.
SIR Donald Sinden and Ian Paisley had been signed up to play each other in the West End, it has emerged.
THE Duchess of Cambridge is to fufil all her public engagements while throwing up.
AMERICANS have begged England to stop sending them smug, fat-faced English television presenters.
BRITAIN has told Prince George to make way for a fresh face who can revitalise the monarchy.
BILL Gates is to buy men’s magazine GQ, sack everyone, evacuate the building and set fire to it.
BRIAN Cox has recruited members of his old band as astronauts for an asteroid-smashing suicide mission.
MEN have convinced themselves that looking at naked celebrity pictures is a legitimate part of keeping up with current affairs.