Celebrity

Supply Pope hasn't even read the Bible

JOSEPH Ratzinger has been temporarily replaced by an incompetent supply Pope, it has emerged.

Pope headhunted by Satan

POPE Benedict XVI is leaving his post at the Vatican to work for the devil.

Beckham to help poor children have better hair

DAVID Beckham will donate his salary to disadvantaged children with unco-operative hair.

Middle class to seek Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's approval on everything

THE middle classes are not going to do anything without getting Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's explicit permission.

Queen 'can veto Prime Ministerial urination'

THE Queen's powers include the right to veto the prime minister's toilet habits, it has emerged.

Kirstie Allsopp 'eats handfuls of dry Horlicks'

TV PROPERTY and lifestyle guru Kirstie Allsopp lives in unbelievable squalor, it has emerged.