THE immortal vampire Jesus is on the rampage again after a team of excavators disturbed his ancient coffin.
THE new Sun on Sunday will continue the story of star-crossed lovers Cheryl and Ashley Cole from last year's cliffhanger ending.
51-YEAR-OLD Wall Street commodities broker Patrick Bateman has described his anguish at the death of Whitney Houston.
A MILITARY facial hair disposal team has sealed off Peep Show star David Mitchell in a tense bid to remove his beard.
A GROUP of motorbike-riding press photographers has been discovered in the uterus of actress Sienna Miller.
AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.
BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.
MEN across Britain have forgiven their mothers for everything they have said or done after encountering Denise Welch.