Man claims vague relationship with every Team GB medallist

WAYNE Hayes has worked with, played football against, babysat and lived next-door to each and every Great British Olympic medalist, weary colleagues have revealed.

Boris Johnson ‘may have accidentally sold Britain to Peruvian drug lord’

BRITAIN now belongs to a Peruvian drug lord after an ‘accident’ by Boris Johnson.

180,000 new Labour members thought they were getting Beyonce tickets

THE 180,000 new registered Labour supporters thought they were buying exclusive front-row access to a Beyonce gig.

Off you f**k, Queen tells Cameron

THE Queen has assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

Queen reflects that it’s a good thing she doesn’t give a shit

THE Queen has reflected that, considering all the constitutional powers she has, it is a good thing she could not care less about Britain anymore.

Thank you so much for drawing attention to me, Cameron tells Murray

DAVID Cameron has thanked Andy Murray for throwing him under a bus at Wimbledon yesterday.

George W Bush picks up mobile, sees who’s calling, puts it down

FORMER president George W Bush has picked up his iPhone, looked at the caller, returned it to his pocket and continued his round of golf.

Boris Johnson recalled to Beano

BORIS Johnson has left the Conservative leadership race to return to the pages of the Beano, he has confirmed.