Celebrity

Clooney dumps model for distracting him from allotment

SCREEN icon George Clooney split from Elisabetta Canalis because she kept distracting from his vegetable patch, it has emerged.

Joss Stone murder plot not some weird dream

THE alleged plot to kill Joss Stone with a sword is not one of those dreams you keep having, it emerged last night.

Sean Bean beatified by Northerners

DRESSING-up hardman Sean Bean has taken a crucial step towards becoming the North of England's first living saint.

Phone hacking scandal finally interesting

THE tabloid phone hacking scandal widened last night to include some voicemail messages you may actually care about.

Cheryl deal collapses as everyone involved decides to do something with their life

LAST-MINUTE negotiations over Cheryl Cole's television career were abruptly terminated last night after her management team decided to start living actual lives.

How dare Pippa Middleton muscle her way into this headline

PIPPA Middleton was last night accused of cashing in on her sister's royal status after ruthlessly hijacking the beginning of this sentence.

Harrison Ford forgets he was in fourth Indiana Jones movie

AGEING actor Harrison Ford has forgotten his starring role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it emerged last night.

Cheryl Cole not good enough for Americans

BRITISH culture was dealt a devastating blow last night after Cheryl Cole was sacked by Americans.