IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.
TV chef Gordon Ramsay is urging consumers to buy freaky sex drugs that are in season.
THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.
PRINCE Charles will use the throne as a transmitter for his peculiar strand of bullshit when he becomes King, it was revealed yesterday.
THE playground marriage of Peaches Geldof is over after just two and a half hours.
RUSSELL Brand and Jonathan Ross are to team up with the corpse of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother for a new prime-time show.
ITV was swamped with phone calls last night as viewers across Britain demanded fresh celebrities to worry about.
GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates.