'Any time, any place' Duchess tells novelist

IF Booker prize winner Hilary Mantel wants a piece of the Duchess of Cambridge, she can have it, St James's Palace has confirmed.

Paxman dispensing vigilante cleverness

JEREMY Paxman has a vigilante alter ego called 'Clever Man'.

Bikini photos show Kate's massive buttocks

NEW paparazzi photos of the Duchess of Cambridge show that her buttocks are now huge.

Supply Pope hasn't even read the Bible

JOSEPH Ratzinger has been temporarily replaced by an incompetent supply Pope, it has emerged.

Pope headhunted by Satan

POPE Benedict XVI is leaving his post at the Vatican to work for the devil.

Beckham to help poor children have better hair

DAVID Beckham will donate his salary to disadvantaged children with unco-operative hair.

Middle class to seek Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's approval on everything

THE middle classes are not going to do anything without getting Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's explicit permission.