Olympic torch being a right bastard

THE Olympic torch is becoming increasingly arrogant and egotistical, it has emerged.

Interest in Lindsay Lohan classified as mental illness

HAVING an interest in Lindsay Lohan is a form of insanity, psychiatrists have confirmed.

Kim Kardashian to face Pippa Middleton in buttock duel

US REALITY star Kim Kardashian will face Pippa Middleton in a buttock-based confrontation that could decide the future of the monarchy.

Receptionist shocked to discover sidebar fame

A 22-YEAR-OLD Londoner has been amazed to find more than a hundred stories about her weight, dress sense and love life on the Daily Mail's website.

Yoda: Corporate bitch I now am

ONCE-GREAT Jedi Master Yoda will flog anything for cash, it has emerged.

Jordan’s hand in marriage to avert war

PEOPLE'S princess Jordan has agreed to marry Argentinian Leandro Penna
to prevent war between his country and the British Empire.

Palace unveils new uses for Harry

BUCKINGHAM Palace has unveiled 12 new things that Prince Harry can do to make himself useful.

Jimmy Savile’s corpse collection up for auction

THE collection of stuffed humans owned by the late Sir Jimmy Savile, rated as one of the finest in the world, is to be sold at auction.