Celebrity
Karen Matthews: Where She Went Wrong
IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.
Ramsay Launches Campaign For Seasonal Freaky Sex Drugs
TV chef Gordon Ramsay is urging consumers to buy freaky sex drugs that are in season.
Ecclestone Wife To Buy Two Midgets
THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.
Charles To Use Throne As Bullshit Transmitter
PRINCE Charles will use the throne as a transmitter for his peculiar strand of bullshit when he becomes King, it was revealed yesterday.
Peaches Geldof To Get Playground Divorce
THE playground marriage of Peaches Geldof is over after just two and a half hours.
Ross And Brand To Dig Up Queen Mother
RUSSELL Brand and Jonathan Ross are to team up with the corpse of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother for a new prime-time show.
Public Demands More Celebrities To Be Concerned About
ITV was swamped with phone calls last night as viewers across Britain demanded fresh celebrities to worry about.
Guy Ritchie To Scam Madonna Out Of 500 Grand
GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates.