Celebrity

Footballer had sex

A PROFESSIONAL footballer did it with some dolly bird, it has been confirmed.

45lb baby leads to Schwarzenegger divorce

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger knew his marriage was doomed shortly after the birth of a three-stone baby carrying a sawn-off shotgun.

UK legal system peaks with judgement about woman's fanny

A THOUSAND years of British legal history has reached its summit in a decision on the privacy of a woman's fandango.

Philip to say 'Mick' no more than eight times

PRINCE Philip will be allowed into Ireland today on condition he calls them all 'Micks' no more than eight times during the four day visit.

Experts to probe mystery of Keith Allen's 'career'

RESEARCHERS are to launch a fresh study into what Keith Allen is for.

Jamie Oliver re-brands bacteria as 'Funky Coli'

THE microbes present in TV chef Jamie Oliver's restaurant kitchens are cool and laid-back, it was claimed last night.

Giggs leaves wife for Hugh Bonneville

GENTLEMAN footballer Ryan Giggs has left his wife for softly-spoken Downton Abbey star Hugh Bonneville.

Vatican accidentally beatifies Ringo

THE Catholic Church last night beatified Ringo Starr by mistake.