Celebrity

She might get fat, Church tells William

THE Church of England has urged Prince William not to hop on a passing skank if Kate Middleton gains a few pounds.

Derek Acorah banishes family's dignity

TV spiv Derek Acorah has perfomed a mysterious ritual to rid an ordinary family of its self-esteem.

Stricken nuclear plant looks like Fern Britton

AS the Fukushima nuclear power station teeters on the brink of a catastrophic meltdown, someone has pointed out that it looks a bit like Fern Britton.

Teachers not famous enough

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

Kate sets up secret wedding list

KATE Middleton has set up her own secret wedding list at John Lewis, it emerged last night.

Letting Prince Andrew do something turns out to be bad idea

GIVING Prince Andrew a high-profile public role has somehow failed to be a success, it has emerged.

Parts of Kate Winslet's body reveal that they hate her

VARIOUS bits of Titanic star Kate Winslet's have revealed how insufferable they find their host organism.

Pope distances himself from Galliano

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.