Katona Sex Tape 'Kills All Who See It'

EVERYONE who has watched the Kerry Katona sex tape has died mysteriously within a week, it was claimed yesterday.

Alexa Chung To Be New Face Of Chitlins

MODEL and TV presenter Alexa Chung is to become the face of boiled pigs' intestines, it was announced last night.

Queen To Put Balls In Her Mouth For First Time Since 1957

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

Britain Trying Not To Imagine What Katie Price Perfume Smells Like

BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.

Emergency Christine Bleakley Information Service Launched

A NEW 24-hour telephone helpline has been launched to fill the gaps in Britain's rolling Christine Bleakley requirements.

Some People Still Think Cheryl Cole Is Real, Says TV Watchdog

THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.

Victoria Beckham Unveils New Brain

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.