Patrick Bateman 'devastated' by Whitney Houston funeral

51-YEAR-OLD Wall Street commodities broker Patrick Bateman has described his anguish at the death of Whitney Houston.

Beard disposal experts cordon off David Mitchell

A MILITARY facial hair disposal team has sealed off Peep Show star David Mitchell in a tense bid to remove his beard.

Paparazzi found in Sienna Miller’s womb

A GROUP of motorbike-riding press photographers has been discovered in the uterus of actress Sienna Miller.

Madonna becomes new face of Tena Lady

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.

Men thank their mothers for not being Denise Welch

MEN across Britain have forgiven their mothers for everything they have said or done after encountering Denise Welch.

Corbett too short for a knighthood

RONNIE Corbett has had to make do with a CBE because he is too short for a knighthood, it has been confirmed.

Hairy bikers admit cookery a front for drug and gun trafficking

JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at the recording of their latest series.