How dare Pippa Middleton muscle her way into this headline

PIPPA Middleton was last night accused of cashing in on her sister's royal status after ruthlessly hijacking the beginning of this sentence.

Harrison Ford forgets he was in fourth Indiana Jones movie

AGEING actor Harrison Ford has forgotten his starring role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it emerged last night.

Cheryl Cole not good enough for Americans

BRITISH culture was dealt a devastating blow last night after Cheryl Cole was sacked by Americans.

God sues Jordan for playing him

LORD God Almighty has filed a £6m lawsuit against inflatable glamour model Jordan for bringing his name into disrepute.

Footballer had sex

A PROFESSIONAL footballer did it with some dolly bird, it has been confirmed.

45lb baby leads to Schwarzenegger divorce

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger knew his marriage was doomed shortly after the birth of a three-stone baby carrying a sawn-off shotgun.

UK legal system peaks with judgement about woman's fanny

A THOUSAND years of British legal history has reached its summit in a decision on the privacy of a woman's fandango.

Philip to say 'Mick' no more than eight times

PRINCE Philip will be allowed into Ireland today on condition he calls them all 'Micks' no more than eight times during the four day visit.