Celebrity

Schwarzenegger charging £800,000 to kill you then deliver a one-liner

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger fans are paying almost a million pounds to have him kill them then make a wry comment.

Fate apologises for letting Bono live

FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.

Kardashian photo breaks human spirit

A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

Jesus had wife who made him get a proper job

JESUS Christ’s wife Mary Magdalene forced him to get a boring admin job, it has emerged.

Brian Cox obviously an alien

PROFESSOR Brian Cox is an extra-terrestrial, it has emerged.

Russell Brand crucifixion ‘could save mankind’

ATTACHING Russell Brand to a big cross would probably sort everything out, it has been claimed.

People who hate music excited about new Cheryl single

THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.

Kelly Brook leaves earthly plane

MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.