I'm just a metaphor for sex, realises Easter Bunny

THE Easter Bunny has expressed shock and disgust that he's just some weird metaphor for sex.

Chutney went straight in bin, Queen confirms

A CHRISTMAS gift of homemade chutney from the Duchess of Cambridge was treated with the contempt it deserved, says the Queen.

Holly and Phillip tired because they necked a load of gurners last night

THE hosts of This Morning have explained that they feel tired today because they stayed up all night taking pills.

Don’t even think of standing for PM, Britain warns Branson

BRITONS have warned Richard Branson that a Trump-style political campaign would result in his arse being kicked into the Atlantic.

Queen a right old cow, says Sun

THE Queen is such an old cow, the Sun has confirmed.

Men outraged at sexy woman giving away free naked pictures

MEN have expressed disgust at a sexy woman giving away nude photos of herself for nothing.

Morrissey too cheerful to be our mayor, say Londoners

MORRISSEY is too friendly and upbeat to represent London, it has been claimed.

How come you’re not skiing? ask William and Kate

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are wondering why so many of you are not enjoying an Alpine skiing holiday like them.