Noam Chomsky steps aside to make way for Russell Brand

THE world’s most renowned left-wing thinker has decided to retire following Russell Brand’s latest online rant, it has been confirmed.

Derren Brown has hooves instead of feet

DERREN Brown has goat-like hooves because of doing black magic, it has emerged.

Duchess of Cambridge to guest edit Crafty Carper

AFTER spending yesterday guest editing the Huffington Post, Kate Middleton will today act as guest editor of Crafty Carper magazine

Kanye finds time in busy schedule of twattishness to release album

KANYE West has found a window in his schedule of twattery to release some of his music.

Public reminded that actors are full of shit

LISTENING to what actors think is stupid because they are stupid, it has been confirmed.

Celebrities you like all dying because you’re getting old, say experts

THE recent spate of celebrity deaths is because you, and all the famous people you like, are getting really old, experts have confirmed.

Veteran BBC star shockingly revealed as nice guy

COMPELLING evidence has emerged that a long-standing male BBC presenter was a nice person.

Bono pays tribute to Bowie by quitting immediately

U2 FRONTMAN Bono has paid tribute to David Bowie by promising to stop singing.