British Children Too Ugly, Says Glitter

GLAM rock paedophile Gary Glitter has refused to return to the United Kingdom, insisting British children are far too fat and ugly.

New Photo-Shoot Reveals Gaping, Soulless Void At Centre Of Katie Price

A SPECTACULAR new photo shoot by glamour model Katie Price has revealed the echoing chasm at the centre of her being.

Sorry, I Meant Prince Andrew, Says Henshall

WEST END sensation Ruthie Henshall last night apologised for the confusion over her royal love affair, stressing that she obviously meant Prince Andrew.

'Royals Can Have Privacy As Soon As They Give Us The Money Back'

MOST Britons believe the Royal Family is entitled to its privacy, as soon as it hands back all the money and at least two of the palaces.

William To Use SAS For Sexual Role Playing

THE SAS is to spend three weeks with Prince William and Kate Middleton as the young couple embarks on a series of exciting new sex games.

Winehouse Enjoys Incident-Free Piss

AMY Winehouse visited the toilet of her North London home last night and emerged three minutes later after a textbook piss, according to friends.

Countdown In Crisis: Vorderman 90% Less Attractive, Says Channel 4

HUMAN calculator Carol Vorderman was asked to take a pay cut in direct proportion to her loss of attractiveness, it was claimed last night.

Millionaire Actors Told To Cheer The F*ck Up

YOUNG multi-millionaire actors were last night urged to stop being so angst-ridden and just cheer the fuck up.