Africans Thrilled For Wayne And Coleen

MILLIONS of malnourished Africans yesterday sent a telegram of congratulations to Wayne Rooney and his bride Coleen following their £5m wedding celebration.

My Daughter Has Fantastic Tits, Says Fergie

SARAH Ferguson yesterday defended her eldest daughter insisting Princess Beatrice has developed an absolutely corking set of knockers.

Without Me You're Nothing, Queen Tells Happy Couple

THE Queen has told newly married grandson Peter Philips to hand over at least 10% of his £500,000 fee from Hello! magazine.

Leo Conceived After I Wore A Bag On My Head, Reveals Cherie

CHERIE Blair has revealed how she conceived her fourth child after agreeing to wear a bag on her head.

Atheists Are Nice People Who Will Roast In Hell, Says Cardinal

ATHEISTS and agnostics are decent people whose tormented souls will burn for all eternity in the scorching fires of hell, Britain's biggest catholic said last night.

Johnson Pledges Extra Tuck And Crackdown On Buggery

EVERY Londoner is to receive extra tuck before evensong and be given vouchers to opt out of buggery, the city's new mayor has pledged.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Marriage Over, Say Her Knees

GWYNETH Paltrow’s four-year marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is over, the Hollywood star’s knees revealed last night.

Rich People Very Happy

NEW research has revealed that Britain's rich people are happier than ever, thank you for asking.