British media agrees to phased withdrawal of Diana stories

THE British media last night welcomed the Diana inquest verdict and called for the Princess to be laid to rest over a period of 15 to 20 years.

Heston Demands Right To Shoot Angels

DEAD acting legend Charlton Heston has launched a campaign for the right to shoot angels with a variety of high powered assault weapons.

Naomi Campbell To Wrestle A Bear

SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell has agreed to take part in a televised brawl with a bear.

Paul Mccartney Has Been Dead Since 1966, Claims Heather

PAUL McCartney was killed in a car crash more than 40 years ago and replaced with a hypnotised doppelganger, his former wife claimed last night.

Heather Mills To Strangle A Badger

HEATHER Mills last night celebrated her divorce from Britain's most successful jingle composer by pledging to throttle a series of woodland creatures.

Queen Unable To Find Official Opening Area At Terminal Five

THE launch of Heathrow's new terminal building has been delayed after the Queen and Prince Philip were unable to locate the official opening area.

I Can Do A Terrible Scottish Accent Too, Says Laurie

HUGH Laurie has appealed to British casting directors insisting he can do regional accents that are 'every bit as dreadful' as the American one which has earned him millions of dollars. 

Lisa Marie Presley Expecting Big, Fat Baby

SINGER'S daughter Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant with an incredibly fat baby, she revealed last night.