'Ich Bin Nicht Ein Nazi' Says Philip

PRINCE Philip has denied claims he is a Nazi, insisting his passionate racism is merely a hobby.

Fat Nigel From Eastenders Leads Eurovision Charge

EX-EASTENDERS character Nigel Bates is among the early favourites to represent the UK in this year's Eurovision Song Contest. 

Diana Was Spiderman, Claims Al Fayed

PRINCESS Diana led a secret life as a super-hero who was able to scale buildings and shoot a web-like material from her wrist, Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed claimed today.

Kaplinsky To Simulate Fellatio On Five News

NATASHA Kaplinsky will start each bulletin by staring straight into the camera and slowly sucking on her pencil as the new £1 million-a-year face of Five News. 

Davos Celebrates Another Year Of Frantic Masturbation

THE small Swiss town of Davos was last night celebrating another successful year of A-grade horseshit and frenzied wanking.

William Enjoys Another Spiffing Day Out

HIS Royal Highness Prince William was in fine spirits last night after another absolutely spiffing day out.

Tom Cruise Now Terrifyingly Insane

TOM Cruise was celebrating last night as he overtook John Travolta to become Hollywood's most dangerously unhinged psychopath.

Queen Showed Me Her Swastika Tattoo, Claims Burrell

THE Queen carries a Swastika tattoo on her wrist and believes Zionists control the Post Office, Princess Diana's butler revealed yesterday.