Celebrity

Diana Was Spiderman, Claims Al Fayed

PRINCESS Diana led a secret life as a super-hero who was able to scale buildings and shoot a web-like material from her wrist, Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed claimed today.

Kaplinsky To Simulate Fellatio On Five News

NATASHA Kaplinsky will start each bulletin by staring straight into the camera and slowly sucking on her pencil as the new £1 million-a-year face of Five News. 

Davos Celebrates Another Year Of Frantic Masturbation

THE small Swiss town of Davos was last night celebrating another successful year of A-grade horseshit and frenzied wanking.

William Enjoys Another Spiffing Day Out

HIS Royal Highness Prince William was in fine spirits last night after another absolutely spiffing day out.

Tom Cruise Now Terrifyingly Insane

TOM Cruise was celebrating last night as he overtook John Travolta to become Hollywood's most dangerously unhinged psychopath.

Queen Showed Me Her Swastika Tattoo, Claims Burrell

THE Queen carries a Swastika tattoo on her wrist and believes Zionists control the Post Office, Princess Diana's butler revealed yesterday.

Nicole Richie's Baby Heavier Than Her

SIMPLE Life superstar Nicole Richie has given birth to a baby girl almost four pounds heavier then she is.

Queen's Broadcast A Self-Indulgent Mess, Say Critics

THIS year's Christmas message from the Queen has failed to impress the critics with most dismissing it as self-indulgent and boastful.