Celebrity

Lou Reed moves into sleazy downtown area of Heaven

DECEASED musician Lou Reed has moved into the area of Heaven where there is heroin and transsexual hookers.

The Mash guide to Prince George's godparents

A COMPLETE list of your future master's newly-appointed guardians.

Prince George rejects Christianity

THE heir to the throne thinks Christianity is a load of nonsense, it has emerged.

Bake Off winner taken to underground lair of Mr Kipling

THE winner of The Great British Bake Off has left humanity to work in Mr Kipling's underground cake catacombs.

Morrissey actually hard

THE memoir of pop singer Morrissey has revealed his voracious appetite for lager and fighting.

Yeti DNA-tested live on Jeremy Kyle

THE Yeti has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show to settle questions of its parentage.

Wessexes excluded from christening for vol-au-vent theft

EDWARD and Sophie are not attending Prince George's christening because they stole canapés at his parents' wedding.

I live on my private island because it is private and an island, says Branson

SIR Richard Branson has revealed he lives most of the year on his private island because it is exactly that.