A COMPLETE list of your future master's newly-appointed guardians.
THE heir to the throne thinks Christianity is a load of nonsense, it has emerged.
THE winner of The Great British Bake Off has left humanity to work in Mr Kipling's underground cake catacombs.
THE memoir of pop singer Morrissey has revealed his voracious appetite for lager and fighting.
THE Yeti has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show to settle questions of its parentage.
EDWARD and Sophie are not attending Prince George's christening because they stole canapés at his parents' wedding.
SIR Richard Branson has revealed he lives most of the year on his private island because it is exactly that.
RADIOHEAD singer Thom Yorke is visiting the world's remotest places to warn their inhabitants about Spotify.