Phone hacking scandal finally interesting

08-06-11

THE tabloid phone hacking scandal widened last night to include some voicemail messages you may actually care about.

Should the phone hackers now be killed?

Amid fresh evidence that the noble art of British journalism has been infiltrated by absolute scoundrels, people across the country said this might just be starting to get a bit fucking juicy.

Police are being urged to investigate claims that the hacking included Kate Middleton, Tony Blair, Peter Mandelson and an MI5 spy handler in addition to a seemingly endless litany of pointless film stars, daytime TV presenters and the oaf Prescott.

The Guardian revealed that some fuckers hired a bastard to get up to all kinds muck, before quietly admitting that not all the fuckers worked for News International.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “With the allegation that the Mirror group is also up to its tits in this the Guardian may be forced to accept that left wing people can do bad things too.”

Tom Logan, who has flicked past this shit without taking a blind bit of notice for about three years now, said: “This means we are just one step way from Pippa and at that point I’m phoning in sick.

“I’d also be interested to hear whether Tony Blair got my message urging him to commit suicide. He never returned my call, which I thought was quite rude.”

Logan added: “Oh and by the way, is it just me or are British newspapers run by utter fucking maniacs?”

It is understood Kate Middleton’s voicemails included a drunken message from Prince Harry regarding a ‘sneaky wee blow job’, a series of thinly veiled threats from Prince Philip and four separate calls from James Hewitt asking if she would like to play ‘horsey’.

Peter Mandelson’s voicemails were mostly in Russian or Chinese, except for one message from Ed Balls pleading for the safe return of his children’s hamster.

Meanwhile Tony Blair’s messages included one from the chairman of Halliburton asking which account the money should be paid into and Gordon Brown leaving the one word message ‘resign’ for 3,659 days in a row.

 

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