Police Leave Kate Middleton On Car Roof

KATE Middleton has been misplaced somewhere in west London after her Special Branch protection officers left her on the roof of their car and drove off.

In happier times, before she fell off a Range Rover

The princess-elect was placed on top of the vehicle as the officers left an anti-terrorist briefing at the Home Office in Marsham Street, Westminster, early yesterday, but was not discovered missing until around 10am.

Miss Middleton is believed to have fallen off somewhere between Marsham Street and Holland Park Avenue, where the officers had stopped to buy a magazine.

Scotland Yard said the officers concerned had now been taken off Royal protection duty.

Emma Bradford, who works in an office on Vauxhall Bridge Road, said: “I was looking out of the window when I saw this big black Range Rover go by with a young woman clinging desperately to the roof.

“She was obviously starting to lose her grip, so I reckon they should be looking for her in Grosvenor Place or maybe Belgrave Square.”

Police have urged anyone who finds Miss Middleton, who is shaped like a reasonably attractive middle class person, not to touch her but to contact the force.

Meanwhile police in Lambeth, searching for a missing taser, are to focus their efforts on finding someone who is just going round tasering the absolute shit out of everybody.

A spokesman said: “Thanks to our sophisticated use of community-based intelligence gathering, we feel that a tasering spree may be imminent.

“Please do contact us if you have recently been tasered by some who thought it was hilarious and wasn’t a policeman.”