Pre-nup gives Cruise sole custody of Thetans

THE pre-nuptial agreement between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes guarantees the Mission Impossible actor sole custody of his wife’s Operating Thetan.

Cruise tries to suck his wife's Thetan out through her ear using a Dianetic Power Sniff

Scientology insiders revealed that the ‘pre-nup’ was ‘water tight’ ensuring Cruise would retain the part of his wife’s eternal existence that can control matter, energy, space and time.

A source said: “Tom already has the Operating Thetans of his first two wives which he keeps in his mind fridge.

“He is sad that his latest marriage has come to an end but hopes that by devouring all three Operating Thetans through a secret hole in the middle of his forehead he will gain total dominion over the realm of thought-space and challenge Xenu, the 75 billion year old mega-being, for the title of Lord of the Ultra-Sponge.”

The source added: “Katie was very reluctant to give up the rights to her Thetan and only agreed to it in exchange for $33 million.

“As you can imagine, she is also very sad.”

Julian Cook, a celebrity marriage analyst, said: “Like everyone else in the world I was astonished to hear that they were getting divorced. Absolutely astonished.”

Meanwhile, it was confirmed that the couple split despite using the Church of Scientology’s Divorcecon programme which attempts to heal troubled marriages using an eight foot wide electric spoon.