Robert Peston Transformed Into Pure Energy
BBC business editor Robert Peston last night attained transcendence before converting himself into pure energy.
Peston is now a shimmering orb of pale blue light hovering about four feet above his chair at the BBC Television Centre.
He continues to break stories on the financial crisis, but it has now taken the form of perfect knowledge beamed directly into your mind, or transmitted via a series of low, vibrating pulses.
BBC director general Mark Thompson said: "Robert is risen above the physical plane. He is both the essence and the vessel for all that is and will ever be.
"He is no longer Robert Peston, BBC business editor. His atoms are now woven into the very fabric of the universe. He is become pure news."
The BBC has also appealed to householders to limit their electricity use as the ball of light that used to be Robert Peston continues to suck millions of volts directly from the national grid.
Across London thousands of ecstatic followers poured into the streets to celebrate Peston's new form. Two goats were sacrificed outside JP Morgan as half-naked staff danced round a disco glitter ball.
Meanwhile the few remaining sceptics tried to jam Peston's transmissions by wearing a plastic bucket on their head.
Tom Logan, a trainee accountant, said: "He only err gets all these err stories, because he err spent much of the err last 10 years with his err nose rammed straight up err Gordon Brown's err dirt box."