Teenage Girl Temperamental

faced a fresh pop crisis last night after it emerged that X Factor favourite Cher Lloyd has been behaving like a teenage girl.

Is it time to ban hair straighteners?

Insiders say the Cheryl Cole protegé, whose body weight is mostly eyes and hair, has been weeping for no reason, giving dodgy looks to rival girls and probably having a meltdown about some missing hair straighteners or something.

An X Factor spokesman said: “This is a big deal. Scratch that, it’s a huge deal. The way you can tell it’s a massive deal is the word ‘turmoil’ next to a picture of Cher appearing to strain a bowel motion.

“There’s experts involved and everything. Brain experts. They’re worried. And they’re experts.”

He added: “So you’d better watch the telly this Saturday night, because she might explode in a fine red mist of blood and hormones. Which would cause her turmoil.”

Teenage girl expert, Dr Emma Bradford, said: “If it goes badly on Saturday, Cher may lock herself in the toilet and not come out for ages.

“She’ll probably be alright after a bit though, I expect. Best just to leave her to it.”

Meanwhile former pop star Robbie Williams has offered to help the young singer cope with the pressure of being ridiculous.

He said: “The pressure is very hard. It can actually hurt if you do it wrong. Luckily I was able to cope by using massive amounts of cocaine and believing in UFO abduction.

“I know how to stay grounded. I’m actually something of an expert. At least that’s what the inhabitants of Queznar 5 told me before re-applying my anal probe.

“Am I still fat?”