Ulrika Bathing In Virgins' Blood, Say Villagers
RETIRED weather girl Ulrika Jonsson has been accused of bathing in the blood of virgins in a desperate bid to prevent chicken neck.
Frightened villagers say Jonsson's craving for youth has led to the disappearance of a dozen local peasant girls in the vicinity of her vast, ominous castle in Surrey.
The colourful rustics believe the former TV star, known locally as 'the Countess', is luring the pretty young virgins with the promise of a Magnum Classic and some amusing Celebrity Big Brother anecdotes.
Once inside the girls are given drugged wine, then lulled into a torpor by the hypnotic lute playing of Olaf, Jonsson's manager and personal dwarf.
They are then grotesquely murdered, in a ritual Jonsson believes will restore her looks to how they were before she had four children by five different footballers.
Menacing local landlord Mikhail said: "Tis true. After some light lesbianism, the Countess offers the poor virgin a bath 'to wash that soot off your face'.
"The peasant girl is then led to the jacuzzi, where she is suspended above the tub and her throat cut as the witch writhes naked in their warm blood. It's not very nice."
Handsome local farmer's son Fyodor blames Ulrika for the disappearance of his 18-year-old sweetheart Alina, and has vowed to claim vengeance.
"The witch will pay for the evil she has wrought upon our village. We shall assail the castle with flaming torches and return its ageing denizen to Z-list celebrity hell."
He added: "That said, she was very sexy on Shooting Stars."