Warren Beatty Has Had Sex With You
HOLLYWOOD superstar Warren Beatty has had sexual intercourse with you, it emerged last night.
A new biography of the Heaven Can Wait actor claims that you and everyone you know have had at least one inch of Beatty's erect penis in one of your holes for at least 0.05 seconds.
Biographer Peter Biskind has calculated that since Beatty was born in 1937 there have been 12 billion humans on Earth and that Beatty has been alive for 2.3 billion seconds.
After subtracting the time it took Beatty to make his films, including Reds which seems to go on for ever, Beatty would have about one tenth of a second to seduce you, remove your pants and penetrate you to his satisfaction.
The author said Beatty must have developed some kind of hypersonic aircraft which allows him to travel from one sexual conquest to the next in less than one millionth of a second without being killed by excessive g-forces.
Biskind added: "He's basically the Santa Claus of fucking."
Martin Bishop, an accountant from Hatfield, said: "It was October 1988 and I had gone to Sainsbury's for a quick midweek shop. I had leaned over to retreive some frozen cod fillets from a freezer cabinet and when I stood up I found that my trousers and underpants were around my ankles.
"I just assumed it was caused by a sudden gust of wind, but come to think of it, there was a slight burning sensation in my anus and I do remember being told to vote for someone called Michael Dukakis."