Bastard Water Voles Are Loving It

GLOATING water voles last night said they were loving it as new figures show they are thriving while everyone else is screwed.

Twig eating rat-like bastard

The canal-based vermin, whose numbers have spiralled in recent years, are an increasingly common sight on river banks, where they're mostly just chilling out.

Alan, a water vole from Dudley, said: "There's no recession in riverbank land, no sirree. Just relaxation and fornication. It's like Wind in the Willows but with a lot more casual sex.

"Life's just one endless summer. Look at me, clutching a long cool drink in my tiny paw as I watch the world go by. I might go for a float on a lily pad later."

He added: "Every night, while you lie awake worrying about your finances and the impending misery of Christmas, we're partying in our tastefully-decorated tunnels, emerging early in the morning to watch a magnificent sunrise, before going back to our beds for more sleep and sex."

Leading naturalist Tom Logan said: "Our research shows that water voles are currently having an enormous amount of totally stress free fun.

"I suggest that if you see one 'chillaxing' – they use that word a lot – you hit it repeatedly with a shovel until it's as flat as a fucking pancake."

He added: "I've also started a rumour they taste excellent with a white wine sauce."