Bastard Water Voles Are Loving It
GLOATING water voles last night said they were loving it as new figures show they are thriving while everyone else is screwed.
The canal-based vermin, whose numbers have spiralled in recent years, are an increasingly common sight on river banks, where they're mostly just chilling out.
Alan, a water vole from Dudley, said: "There's no recession in riverbank land, no sirree. Just relaxation and fornication. It's like Wind in the Willows but with a lot more casual sex.
"Life's just one endless summer. Look at me, clutching a long cool drink in my tiny paw as I watch the world go by. I might go for a float on a lily pad later."
He added: "Every night, while you lie awake worrying about your finances and the impending misery of Christmas, we're partying in our tastefully-decorated tunnels, emerging early in the morning to watch a magnificent sunrise, before going back to our beds for more sleep and sex."
Leading naturalist Tom Logan said: "Our research shows that water voles are currently having an enormous amount of totally stress free fun.
"I suggest that if you see one 'chillaxing' – they use that word a lot – you hit it repeatedly with a shovel until it's as flat as a fucking pancake."
He added: "I've also started a rumour they taste excellent with a white wine sauce."