Boffins Unveil World's Smuggest House

SCIENTISTS yesterday unveiled what they claim will be the world's smuggest house.

The Institute for Studies said the two-bedroom structure will be constructed using high insulation walls woven from downy hairs harvested by hand by local peasants from the underside of sustainable Mongolian goats.

The heating and hot water are supplied by a sophisticated air conditioning system which synthesises the energy generated by the owners talking about the immorality of package holidays.

After each home is completed the construction workers will be minced and used as fertiliser to grow a small coppice to offset the carbon dioxide they gave off during the building process.

The new house even comes with its own well-stocked delicatessen featuring artisan products from around the world, including Andalucian bees' milk cheddar and Sri Lankan grasshopper sausage, as well as a subscription to Vanity Fair, the collected works of Will Self and a complete set of Dido CDs.

The Home of the Future

1: A large, solar-powered neon sign which reads, 'Better Than You'

2: The roof folds out to provide a landing pad for Al Gore's helicopter

3: The walls are reversible for no reason whatsoever

4: Household urine is recycled into a tangy, carbon-neutral beverage

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Scotland Relegated To Africa

SCOTLAND is to be compared to African countries for the next four years after another dismal display against its European counterparts.

European Union officials say there is no longer any point including Scotland in economic and social studies and that the country needs some time in Africa to 'regroup'.

An EU spokesman said: "Scotland is now so far behind the developed world that comparisons with Zimbabwe or Kenya may be more relevant."

But First Minister Alex Salmond was upbeat, insisting a few years in the African league tables would boost Scottish confidence.

Meanwhile Midge Ure and Bob Geldof are planning a ScotAid spectacular to raise awareness of what Geldof described as, "Scotland's unremitting shitness".

The campaign will include a cinema advert starring George Clooney and Kate Moss clicking their fingers, and the message: "Every three seconds another Scottish person under the age of 30 applies for incapacity benefit."

Salmond said: "With the exception of the East End of Glasgow, we are already in the top ten for life expectancy.

"But we can learn a lot from Africa, particularly when it comes recruiting young people into the armed forces and tackling obesity."

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