Britain Starting To Freak Out A Bit
WITH heavy snow covering Britain for the 21st day in a row, people across the country were last night showing the first signs of starting to freak out.
As the Met Office warned that the blizzards would continue indefinitely, friends and neighbours in the midlands and the south east began taking it in turn to lose it, just a little bit, and then hit each other very hard across the face.
On the roads the RAC reported a 48% increase in nervous laughter and sounding the horn for no reason and in the nation's pubs, drinkers were making light of the extreme conditions while surveying the room and deciding who they are going to eat and in what order.
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "There is something about this that just doesn't feel right, you know? I mean… you know… what happens if it doesn't melt? What if Dennis Quaid was right and this really is the start of a new ice age?
"I'm telling you now, I won't last five minutes in an ice age. My feet are too small and I'm really bald. And I'll get lost or I'll fall through the glass roof of a shopping centre that has been completely covered by snow. And of course I can't go and live in Spain, I'm a vegetarian. For Christ's sake, someone hit me in the face!"
Jill Kramer, from Peterborough, said: "Just before my husband went to get a loaf of bread this morning, he turned to me, looked deep into my eyes and said that he would always love me and that no matter what happened we would meet again."
She added: "He's been gone now for almost six minutes. I hope he didn't suffer. If you'll excuse me I have to go and update the relationship status on my Facebook page."
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said the conditions were still not as bad as the winter of 1959, adding: "I'm going to make a big pot of soup, a big pot of stew and a tray of my famous fudge brownies. And then I'm going to rampage up and down the cul de sac with a fucking great axe shouting 'heeeeere's Margaret'.
"And to answer your next question – probably leek and potato."