BROWN 'FRANTIC WITH WORRY' OVER STATE OF BRITAIN'S LAWNS

THE long spell of wet weather has prompted Prime Minister Gordon Brown to order a full-scale review of the nation's lawns.

The house is probably filled with 'crack'

Brown is understood to be 'frantic with worry' that people will cut their grass when it is still wet, leaving large clumps which then cause uneven colour and texture.

According to the Number 10 policy unit the 'doomsday scenario' occurs when people leave the grass because it is wet, but it then becomes so long that they refuse to cut it because it is 'too hard'.

Brown wants to bring in outside experts and MPs from other parties to sit on the new British Lawn Commission which will produce a series of recommendations for Parliament before the next general election.

The Prime Minister's spokesman said: "Everyone knows that a good lawn is the cornerstone of a successful society.

"If you walk down a street of well-tended lawns you feel happy and decent.

"If you walk down a street filled with untidy or overgrown lawns you assume the residents are all ghastly and immoral. Probably drug dealers and/or pimps."

The spokesman said the commission would be Brown's first priority over the next 12 months, adding: "He's not just the prime minister of you, he's the prime minister of your lawn."

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