Endangered Boyles Hunted For Vocal Cords
NATURALISTS have warned that there are less than 50 Susan Boyles left in the Scottish rainforests, as they continue to be hunted for their prized vocal cords.
Research by the Institute for Studies found that the Boyles are being shot or trapped by low-ranking record label employees. Their vocal apparatus is then removed, usually for transplantation into skinny young pop hopefuls with big tits, although powdered Boyle parts have also been found in Chinese erection pills.
Despite their fearsome appearance, Susan Boyles generally shun human contact, using a mixture of dung and masticated leaves to build themselves camouflaged council house-style tree dwellings.
Naturalist Mary Fisher, who spent four years living among Boyles in the forests of West Lothian, said: "Genocide of a species is not an acceptable way of boosting flagging CD sales. These shy, majestic beasts are the asexual monarchs of the Scottish wilderness and there is still so much we don't know about them, such as how they breed."
Mary Fisher learned to emulate Boyle behaviour as she gained their trust: "The diet is a mixture of coarse foliage and Tunnock's Tea Cakes. They walk either on two legs or all fours, and will sometime roll sideways down a hill if they're in a hurry to get to the bottom.
"Although not carnivorous, Boyles can be aggressive if challenged, throwing handfuls of excrement and making noises like Elaine Paige. If confronted by an enraged alpha Boyle, your best bet is to throw it a mint and run like fuck."
Many consumers are unaware of which popular music CDs are made using transplanted Boyle parts, leading industry watchdogs to call for clearer labelling.
Record company spokesman Tom Logan said: "The use of Boyle cords is a sad fact of life in the contemporary music industry. How else do you think Whitney came back after all those years on the pipe?
"I would say that they should be left alone, dreaming their dreams in their natural habitat. But then again, that would be a complete lie."