Everyone To Get A Flamethrower

THE government is to overcome Britain’s inability to order grit by giving everyone their own flamethrower.

It can also be used for weeding

As ministers launched a wide-ranging inquiry into the nature of
coldness, the first tranche of flamethrowers was being handed out in car
parks across Surrey.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “Gosh,
it’s quite heavy isn’t it? Now then, let me just try and point it at
some snow.”

Officials said that instead of the bi-annual round of buck passing and
recriminations followed by a comprehensive overhaul of Britain’s grit
ordering procedures that was obviously not going to work, it was
actually much easier just to give everyone in the country their own
petrol-based snow-melting capability.

Mrs Gerving added: “Ooh, it’s got quite a kick when you fire it up. You really
need to keep your shoulder very steady. Funny pong too. Can you use it

Meanwhile, Nathan Muir, a trainee accountant from Redhill, said he will use his
flamethrower to live out his Tour of Duty fantasy where he is a 19
year-old ‘grunt’ from Cleveland called Joe who is on a tense foot patrol
near Da Nang, if Da Nang was under four feet of snow and had a Holland
and Barrett.

The upcoming inquiry, to be chaired by TV chef Gary Rhodes, will be the
first time in more than a decade that the British government has
explored the nature of coldness and the effect that very low
temperatures can have on everyday objects like aeroplanes, chocolate and
Kay Burley.

Rhodes said: “As a busy chef I use fridges and freezers almost every
week, so I know just how devastating coldness can be. Especially to fondue and Scotch broth.”

But the government last night rejected opposition calls to widen the
scope of the inquiry to cover the full range of temperatures and their
effect on British goods and services.

A spokesman for the department of inquiries said: “This is not the time to be asking
questions about hotness. Let’s wait until we have a hosepipe ban in
place before we open that can of worms.”

The coldness probe is likely to follow the same criteria as the annual inquiry into where water comes from and why it moves around so easily.

Mr Gerving added: “Oh fuck, I think I’ve knackered that cat.”