Fury Over Death Of Britain's Biggest Cow
ANGER erupted across Britain last night after the nation’s largest cow was found dead.
The Matron of the Glen
The animal, known as The Matron, was discovered inside an abattoir near Shrewsbury. It is still not clear how she died.
Animal rights activists have called for a full investigation insisting it was immoral to kill such a big cow.
Julian Cook, campaigns director at CowNow, said: “She was one of the biggest cows this country has ever seen. A magnificent animal, a full seven and a half feet to the top of her gigantic head.
“And her udders had the length and girth of a Swiss roll. It would have been a privilege to squeeze some delicious milk out of them.”
He added: “She represented something noble and timeless. She transcended the everyday and to gaze into her eyes was to connect with nature at its most cow-like.
“I keep a bag of her dung in my bedside cabinet.”
But experts have stressed that while The Matron was an extremely big cow, to single her out because of her size would be unfair to Britain’s other cows.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I could understand if this cow was an accomplished cellist or had devised a plan to reform the banking system but as far as I’m aware she was little more than an outsized cheese machine.”
Meanwhile, as the murder investigation gets under way, sources confirmed that by the end of the week The Matron is expected to be a tremendous number of cheeseburgers, the inside of a Jaguar and some belts.
