the dailymash

Fuck off

The floppy-hatted morons will be kept in a series of pens with manky falafel being pumped into wicker troughs from a nearby catering van run by a dreary cannabis addict.

Small magnets will be attached to their stupid, constantly flailing arms which, in just six hours, will generate enough power for one face painter to boil the water needed to produce one cup of tea that is made from grass and tastes like asparagus-tainted urine.

Meanwhile the falafel-induced flatulence will be piped back into the catering van and used to cook more falafel in a repellent, malodorous circle of life.

Glastonbury obergruppenführer Michael Eavis also hopes to one day be able to generate energy from the overwhelming sense of anger and disappointment experienced by festival goers over the age of 35.

He said: “By the end of the weekend the air is positively crackling with it.

“All these solicitors and marketing executives who thought they were in for a few days of crazy freedom but end up being covered in their own mess and filled with hate towards everyone within a five mile radius.”

After the festival all the jugglers, unicyclists and mimes will be recycled as fertiliser, although Eavis warned it could make the resultant crops taste a bit like grimy tosspot.

He added: “Becoming carbon neutral is what we’re all about and I hope the 150,000 people from around the world that travel here by plane, car and decrepit camper van will appreciate all those bands who made the effort to get here by helicopter.”