Global Warming To Bring Cannibalism To South East

13-02-08

CLIMATE change will transform the south east of England into a steaming jungle filled with giant snakes and marauding tribes of blood-thirsty cannibals, scientists have predicted.

Six year-old Gavin attends St Mark's Primary in Chelmsford and enjoys eating feet

Researchers at the Institute for Studies have warned that unless carbon emissions are reduced Essex and Kent will resemble the darkest reaches of Amazonia, probably in about 18 months time.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "First will come the mosquitos. They will be huge, about the size of a crow. Then the giant snakes will arrive to feast on the mosquitos.

"Within months towns including Colchester, Ashford, Gravesend, and possibly even Braintree, will be little more than mangrove swamps. However, local rail services should be unaffected."

He added: "Before long the populations will be reduced to primal savagery. Unable to grow crops on the dark jungle floor they will raid each others settlements with the victors feasting upon the flesh of the vanquished.

"The strongest tribes, driven on by their insatiable lust for human flash, will soon descend upon the slow, fat people of Hampshire."

Meanwhile doctors are warning that fewer old people will die as a result of rising temperatures.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of the British Medical Association, said: "Warmer winters will mean more OAPs I'm afraid."

He added: "If you feel that your local community is being overrun, then it might be an idea to nudge one of them under a bus."